Get back time

Having subjected myself to much ridicule at the hands of other people because of my Not-So-Ample frame, writing this blog was perhaps the first step i'd taken in standing up for myself. And yet i know i have along way to tread...

BTW i did some treading a couple of hours ago.

Situation:
The same old lunch/dinner sequence. Everyone's eating to their heart's content. Except me. 'Cuz I'd already had my fill.

Someone [Person A] offers me more food. I politely decline. I know I'm quite queasy already.
Before i know it the aforementioned "offer" gets transformed into a jibe of sorts.
Person A: See your hands. What are these re?
Me: Skin and bones i reply promptly with the broadest grin i could manage
Person A: But you've always been this way only. How much do you eat? What do you carry for lunch?
Me: Roti sabzi
Person A: You probably end up bringing it home in the evening.

HUH?
Time to clear the air. So i mentally wear my cape and swoop in down to rescue my old self saying,
I've been looking at some old photographs lately and my parents were no different from what i am right now, you see! What i am is genetic and there's no way anyone can change that, right?

Grinning. With twinkle in the eye.

A somewhat stunned at my response Person A says,
Ya ya...there's nothing wrong with being thin. Any way we do put on weight later. So will you.  And as try as we might to lose any of it, it never happens. No..no don't worry you'll be fine!

Smirking and saying out loud in my head: I am fine, thank you

The familiar trap

I am in the process of making my peace with almost everything around me...foremost among them being how i am generally greeted by people when i appear on their radar.

And this is how it goes:

Me: "Heyyy...."

Person on whose radar i have just showed up: "You have lost weight"

Me: *why not hey me back instead*

Of course i cannot understand when, where and how i began losing weight when this is all i have ever been.

And "You have lost weight" is all i have ever heard!

Another interesting thing about this "You have lost weight" statement is that it could be followed by any punctuation mark - full stop [.] , exclamation mark [!], question mark [?], or even a series of three dots [...] - and the facial reactions, the intended and actual impact created are still the same...

This whole bit gets turned on its head, when i go 'people watching'!!!

Pardon me, but i simply can't help but notice when people i either know or do not know appear s(t)ickly thin. I actually think to myself, 'Boii, aint i doing so much better for myself!'

Hell yhea..i even wince to myself the moment after i have entertained that thought 'cuz i find myself falling into a rather familiar trap.

Solution: I bite my tongue hard enough not to say it to a person's face that they have in fact lost weight -- or for that matter gained weight -- and it makes my conscience feel good.

At the end of the day, i am of the opinion that it is demeaning to anybody's self esteem to have 'other' people pass comments on their body type...

P.S.: If U hear me saying that i can never tell whether a person has lost or gained weight, U know why! ;)

Eat. Pray. Love. (with a difference)

I welcome myself back to my own blog for returning after a long hiatus... what remains to be seen is how long before i have to disappear again

Speaking of which, every time people see me - even if it is after a week - they, no wait, "i" seem to give them the impression that i am disappearing into thin air. Needless to say from all i have already ranted about before, i cannot help but roll my eyes out...

Last month was bad. I fell ill. Having undergone the trauma of swallowing fist fulls of antibiotics, i thought the worst was over and behind me.

I was wrong.

My weight took the beating... And while i dont know how much i lost (i have not dared to stand on the scales since...) when my collar bone protrudes i have the truth glaring at me in my face. Literally.
What i do not need is for any kind of confirmation. But people will be people. *sigh*

However somewhere in the middle of all the pesky concerns, 'yours truly' decided it was time to at least try to regain what had once been mine.
And so began the mission with a vengeance... I was hoping for the regain to happen just as quickly as the loss did. My bad!

So here i am trying real hard to get some flesh on to wrap around my bony structure with not much success and i think to myself, 'There are many others on the other end of the spectrum (though many stand right before me) who'd kill to be standing in my shoes...though i still CANNOT fathom why :-S'

My funda for the moment:
Eat -- Autum's setting in and it's doing real wonders to my appetite :D
Pray -- That autumn happens all year through :P
Love -- That people actually envy my being skinny ;)

Identity crisis

Nicknaming people is a real good fun activity. What makes it so is that it's something so much more personalized than one's own name. It's something that comes from people knowing each other at a much more open and intimate level.. and that all of it is meant to be in good jest makes it all the more special...

Nicknames are easiest when it's the shortened version of the persons real name...
But quite often nicknames come about from people's physicality...
So if someone is short, they are conveniently called chottu...but more often dhed phoot, dhaii phoot, tingu
And if you are tall, then lambu, khamba...
One isn't spared for having to wear spectacles. The words battery, dapphnya follow you wherever you go. I still remember the chant of "double battery single power, haath mein roti muh mein chawal". *sigh*
If you are a size larger than the rest...the list tends to be endless...
Ditto when you are a size THINNER...
Most of this stuff happened while at school.

However i have had one such in-my-face experience too. Not so long ago i'd been for a college trip to Sikkim and towards the end we'd all exchanged telephone numbers and email ids [This is the pre-Orkut and pre-FB era]. So once we were back to where we belonged -- and given that college was still a long time away from re-opening, we'd gotten into the mode of emailing one another, exchanging photos and the likes.

Likewise, i followed suit.
One fine day i sat down to check my mail and went through some of the replies i'd received. One such mail has left a lasting impression on me... What had happened was that since we'd been a group of 80 odd people from different streams and batches we weren't quite acquainted with one another even after those 10 days. If we'd remembered a face, we'd forgotten the name and vice-versa.
Given this background, i still continue to be amused by what one of them had to say -- or rather, ask by way of replying to my mail...and i quote:
"Are you the fat one or the stick with specs?"

The angst of going shopping

I hate shopping.
I don't understand the term 'retail therapy'. Cuz contrary to popular belief i end up feeling 10 times more harrowed and agitated post shopping...

The problem? Size.

Whether i'm walking down Colaba Causeway or Hill Road and Linking Road at Bandra or swaying in and out of the comforts of the air-conditioned glitzy malls, my plight is still the same.
Stuff is always too big or way too itsy-bitsy! While 'big' makes me feel like i'm walking about in my night wear, the latter makes idea of clothes being comfortable is all too discomforting.

What i take offence most to is SIZE 'XS'! Either it's taken too literally or too figuratively. Literally speaking i end up imagining how a 'woman' is actually going to get into that piece of garment without compromising on her lungs while figuratively XS makes me wonder whether what it does really imply is 'excess'...

 These are the very times when i'm made to realise what an in-between size i really am...quite like the proverbial dhobi ka kutta

Like shopping isn't bad enough, receiving clothes as gifts is worse. It's always that i like what i've got -- it's just that it doesn't fit right!

So i go about wincing to myself every time something that quite catches my eye isn't going to find itself a spot in my wardrobe *sigh*

U ask whether i've heard about tailors and the magic of 'alterations', right? Well, i have. And i have two arguments why i don't favour them...
(i) I'd like to believe that if it fits right it feels right. More like destiny. I like the ring to it :)
(ii) Altering an outfit/piece of clothing sucks. Apart from making U feel like it's being compromised to simply accommodate U...the number of rounds i recently underwent just to get the fitting right had me at my wits end quite literally. Imagine when to my horror the garment was altered such that i had trouble getting into and then out of it!!!

 The only comfort probably lies in the fact that it's not just me. A friend once told me of the time a sales person tried convincing her to wear a skirt and pass it off as a tube top! Sheesh...

Clothes isn't all...
Shopping for foot wear is as much of a crisis situation. The reason is the opposite. Big Feet!

Hmph! What was God thinking of?

Cupboard Cleansing

People have poked jibes. I, in turn, have developed a self deprecatory sense of humour and all seems hunky dory.
Well, guess what? It's not.
And in any case this blog is all about nothing being hunky dory 'cuz being 'skinny' does not permit it. I am yet to fully comprehend the hullabaloo surrounding 'size zero'. I share a meal with people and all i hear of food being unhealthy.  About how it's high time they followed a diet regime or joined the gym or exercised or did yoga or may be even starved!
I don't get it.

People's woes revolve around how they desperately want to fit into their clothes...and not out of them. What they wouldn't do to flaunt their well toned and trimmed assets...
I get this...and i empathize

I empathize only because i exist on the other end of this drama... Yep, drama it is. And i'll tell U why. A couple of days ago i got down to clearing my cupboard up. Now my cupboard isn't the quintessential girl's cupboard bursting at its seams...i believe in living in moderation (more on that -- but another post!). But nevertheless i find myself in possession of clothes i've never worn.
Uh..uh!
Before U watertight compartmentalize me into being the quintessential girl, i'll let U in on a secret.
I am in possession of clothes i secretly hope and pray that i can 'fill' into perfectly and not have belts suspended to hold 'em in place or reduce my shoulders to hangars on a hook or wait to have 'em altered to 'fit' me right so i aint floating.

So while i had to dispose the clothes i couldn't forsee myself 'filling' into i despise my fate 'cuz this means i WILL have to go shopping and find something(s) more suitable for my frame (more on this one too in another post).

Gah!

Hug-oholic!

A hug is a great gift - one size fits all, and it's easy to exchange.  ~Author Unknown

I've used that quote just to substantiate how much a hug can mean and convey -- especially when words fail.

Now, i was not the kind to grow up being surrounded by teddy bears right through my formative years. Nor did i receive these warm fuzzy softies during birthdays. So the very concept of 'bear hug' eluded me for a really long time.
Yes, we did hug for Christmas, New Year and Easter but i was to come a long way before i fully understood THE hug.

Fast forward to circa 'Munnabhai' courtesy Bollywood the 'jaadoo ki jhappi' came on to be quite a rage around town. In being so, i gradually went on first from being a victim to then a victimizer *wink wink* The therapeutic effect was such that hugging was to me what digging a bone is to a dog...and we were a clique who knew just 'what' and 'how' to make things right -- even when we didn't know what made things wrong... And ironically enough, the ones that seized the wind out of your lungs were the ones that kicked your blues away :)


Everything was fine until some months back a friend who was a 'victim' of my hug retorted back with something to the effect of me being nothing but skin and bones... To this i replied that my purpose in life was probably to make others elsewhere in the world realise the plight of the malnourished children in Africa!!


HAHA..


And while being at it, here's another quote i found that probably fits me to the 'T': Everybody needs a hug.  It changes your metabolism.  ~Leo Buscaglia

It sure seemed to have changed mine *sticks tongue out*

Where's the ponch(o) line!?!

'Nuff said about how my "weight" (or more aptly put, the absence of it) has damaged my self esteem and dug crater sized pot holes on my path to self actualization. Will keep some of the other sordid details for another post.

So this time around, i am walking down the street with my mother. We walk past a girl. She (the girl) is wearing a 'kaftan poncho'. Telepathically,  my mother and i are thinking about the same thing - the piece of clothing.

My mother breaks the silence and asks me, "Would U wear something like THAT?"

My reply: "Well, it looked good on her. If i'd ever to wear anything like that...i'd have people raising their hands to salute me."

My mother looked baffled!

I said to her, "It would look like a flag hoisted on a pole."

She smirked.


My point: Being skinny or the oft quoted 'size zero' isnt quite the place to be...

P.S.: My fashion quotient is currently  represented in negative. I didn't know what the aforementioned piece of clothing was called. But i do happen to have a lot of time and Google doesn't mind... ;)

It's a Grin Story

Fact # 1: The Earth is small.
Fact # 2: Some people will say just about anything to have the last word.

Having established the aforementioned facts - which as this bit progresses along will make much more sense - i will get down to this rather silly incident that i obviously was a part of a couple of days ago...

I was to meet a figure of authority (whose name and designation i shall refrain from disclosing. Refer: Fact # 1) for some official purpose. If it already isn't established i must state that we are just about cordial with each other whenever circumstances bring us aamne-saamne... So while i was getting my work done, i was being attacked by a some real quick questions -- none of which deserve a mention.

I hate questions. For some inexplicable reason they make me feel like i'm a convict... But as stated above, i can be cordial. So in a very diplomatically un-like me i dodged the questions with a rather irritating grin pasted across my face.

Just when i thought it was all over (including the questioning)...i got a piece of unwarranted advice:
"You should put on some weight".

With my grin intact i exited the scene of the crime.
My last thoughts were something i've already mentioned. (Refer: Fact # 2)

Khali and Me!

The great 7 footer Khali is in town -- reiterating our obsession with size once again! While the tabloid article that had my attention was about the size (again) of his bed, i'm sure several others (tabloids, i.e.) have gone on to frivolously talk (just like me) about other not so important things to do with him!

Tracing SIZE back to my own childhood, it began with my dear mother. Back then, she was the sitting duck...victim to all the nasty insinuations that were meant for me.
EXCERPTS:
(to my dear mother)
"She's so thin."
"She's become thin."
"You should feed her blah blah blah ."
"Have you tried blah with her?"
"Don't let her drink so much water while she's eating."
"Make her eat blah ."

The good thing was that she never didn give a damn about the world :D And she had reason not to. She treated me like a human being and not a sacrificial turkey or goat - choose whichever you may - that ought to be stuffed! I was no sickly child either!!

But the "world" will not lie low at being ignored. So when the passage of time had passed...and i had grown from an insignificant tot to a not-so-significant-yet-to-be-deemed-adult, things had transcended to another level - where compliments adorned the garb of a double edged sword.
EXCERPTS:
(to my dear mother)
"She's grown nice and tall. But she hasn't put on any weight. She hasn't changed."
"Don't you feed her well?"

(directly to me)
"Wow! Look how much you've grown! BUT you're still so thin. Don't you eat?"
"Are you trying to maintain your figure?"
Those were the moments when i'd wished people talked to me about the weather!

Well, that also explains why i can't stand people who throw their weight around! *wink wink*

Introducing 'The Skinny Genus'

Size (who-the-hell-gives-a-damn-anymore, right?) has been done to death with. And yet for someone who has merely been observing from the sidelines, it's just a new beginning - the beginning of a blog. Scan through all the possible media around and one begins to realise that my first sentence has already been proved redundant. Our OCD with "size" is going nowhere!

My heart, however, goes out to all those poor souls out there who have been reduced to mere guinea pigs with different weight loss regimes. Even the word regime has such a sinister ring to it. Think Nazi Regime. Think Saddam Regime.

OK, i have digressed but i am sure my point has been made!

Anyway this blog is not to empathise or sympathise with those who when they appreciate food don't have to do so in words...their body language literally spells it all out to you! ;) And while the grass does look greener on the other side for those of U conscripted into a mad world that's doing business making your bones brittle, your skin pallid, your self esteem abhorrent...i'd just say welcome to my world!

I am here representing The Skinny Genus. The ones wrongfully maligned and diagnosed to have 'anorexia nervosa' - which is a disorder for heavens sake. BAH! So, what i will be chronicling are the insiders take of 'the naturally not so amply endowed ilk'. My ilk. We are just thin and there are no two ways about that.

And like those proficient in the field of writing (to which i can hardly claim allegiance to), i'd say: Watch this space for more! :P