On strength and being strong

I have since a while now fancied myself getting a tattoo and I realize that more than the thought of the tattoo itself, the thrill is around what this tattoo should be – should it be a wise line in an ancient language in its own script or should it be a cryptic symbol that represents an aspect of my personality? As I keep dilly-dallying, I remember once having come across a symbol for ‘Strength’ in the Chinese script.

Strength.

Besides it seeming to be a rather simple image to have etched on my skin (read: lesser pain), I think I have been fascinated by the word itself.

Strength. Being strong.

If you’ve been following this blog on being ‘Not So Ample’ you will realize that I’ve brought up the innumerable references to my skinny frame by everyone I’ve known and met and how that has immediately demoted me to a frail, lesser being almost – only because I haven’t ever been ampler, larger, bigger.

Size.

Weird, misplaced fixations.

And all the while – all throughout childhood, early adulthood till this point - I’ve rather consciously tried to search for something else to centre my notion of strength around. I guess that’s where my fixation with the word and everything it means might actually stem from!

To my mind there had to be more to strength than just the physical aspect. Don’t get me wrong – biceps, abs, 4 and 6 packs, triceps, calves et al are impressive and sexy! I had my own stint at the gym a couple of years ago and loved the shape I got into. I agree that being in shape does wonders to your sense of self-esteem for sure because for a while thereafter I couldn’t care anymore about people making any remarks about my skinny frame well because skinny had some shape and could also flex a muscle or two!

Now of course lethargy and laziness have completely taken over and despite that niggling voice in my head to get back to training I seem to be an absolute disappointment. Nothing. Nothing seems to get me to get back to some discipline – not even the thought that I can have those flat abs once again! *sigh*

Being a woman – yeah, I’m bringing in a gender perspective – physical strength isn’t quite expected out of you. I mean that. Even during that short stint at training at the gym, I once had a middle aged woman (aka the local neighbourhood aunty) express disdain at me flexing that lone single muscle. 

“As a girl, you shouldn’t be muscular”, she said to my face. Like I said, I had already surrendered to the I-couldn’t-care-less mantra.

And yes there is a blind eye approach to the biology of a woman that actually proves the physical strength of women – think child birth if nothing else and you have to ask yourself why women are referred to the weaker sex. Answers anyone?

Still moving to another realm is that of emotional strength.

Softer aspect. I know. I hear the sniggers. Can it even be considered as strength?

I had come across this line a while ago and it appealed to me: "Strength is nothing more than how well you hide the pain"

Well, what else would you attribute society’s outlook that men aren’t supposed to cry to? Or lately a statement like ‘big girls don’t cry’? Or that ‘strong is the new beautiful’? 

For the longest time I have upheld these myself. Not only did I think and believe but also imbibed these through my own disposition and actions.

Being strong was a good thing.

And I had to prove that I was strong.

I pushed my own limits. I couldn’t think of looking back.

And I didn’t.

For quite a long time.

Somewhere I was also beginning to realize that being strong almost necessitated that one is emotionally void and therefore capable of demonstrating strength!

Really?

So is every notion of strength – physical, biological, emotional, spiritual (for those who believe in an external being) –  actually quite skewed, then?

Not quite. Not if you acknowledge and accept that the above is a uni-dimensional force-fitted view towards whatever it is that we think comprises of strength.

And this is what I set out to discover by myself.

What did I find?

I’ll share that in my next post… But I’m curious to know what your experiences have been around “being strong” – What according to you is strength? 

What roadblocks did you overcome (if any)? 

How has your own mind-set changed if at all?

Oh! And should I really get that tattoo now?

Karmic Retribution

The film, ‘Gangs of Wasseypur’ is my personal favourite because of its in-your-face, gritty, raw appeal that I found very endearing. I’ve watched this three hour movie twice only because I had to miss the final 45 minutes of the film the first time around. But no one who has loved the movie will ever forget the scene in Part I that led to the infamously famous dialogue, “तुमसे ना हो पाएगा…” - the panache with which those lines were delivered was simply terrific!

There was a certain definiteness to it which is in complete contrast to the inquisitorial  " क्या तुमसे हो पाएगा ? " that i'm afflicted by when my capabilities are under dubious scrutiny (courtesy my skinniness).

Allow me to elaborate with live examples:

Me: “Let me help you with those boxes.”

Them: " क्या तुमसे हो पाएगा ? "

Me: “Could I give you hand with your bags?”

Them: " क्या तुमसे हो पाएगा ? "

Me: *lugs her own bags on the shoulders*

Them: " क्या तुमसे हो पाएगा ? "

Me: “Okay, the starters aren’t enough. We should call the waiter for our order. I need more food.”

Them: " क्या तुमसे हो पाएगा ? "

Me: *when finally the main course is out of the way* “I want dessert.”

Them: " क्या तुमसे हो पाएगा ? "

Me: *when I decide to pick whiskey over beer*

Them: " क्या तुमसे हो पाएगा ? "

Me: *when I’m pumped and revved up about an outdoor activity. Think: running, cycling, trekking, rafting*

Them: " क्या तुमसे हो पाएगा ? "

It has begun to humour me that people go about casting those aspersions at me only because of my apparent not-so-ampleness for I’m the sort who goes by: ‘Seeing is believing’. And rather ironically on many an instance like those highlighted above for every single time they were flagged (whether under the guise of concern or for the purpose of ridicule), I’ve been able to k!ck a$$ real bad.

And for the purposes of my entertainment perhaps, I’ve been a witness to circumstances where someone either couldn’t manage their bags/luggage or had way too much leftover food or got too tipsy after their first pint of beer or gave up on their outdoor activity mid-way because they couldn’t keep at it… All while I’m silently smirking with a thought bubble over my head, “ तुमसे ना हो पाया।  रहेनेदे "

The angst of going shopping

I hate shopping.
I don't understand the term 'retail therapy'. Cuz contrary to popular belief i end up feeling 10 times more harrowed and agitated post shopping...

The problem? Size.

Whether i'm walking down Colaba Causeway or Hill Road and Linking Road at Bandra or swaying in and out of the comforts of the air-conditioned glitzy malls, my plight is still the same.
Stuff is always too big or way too itsy-bitsy! While 'big' makes me feel like i'm walking about in my night wear, the latter makes idea of clothes being comfortable is all too discomforting.

What i take offence most to is SIZE 'XS'! Either it's taken too literally or too figuratively. Literally speaking i end up imagining how a 'woman' is actually going to get into that piece of garment without compromising on her lungs while figuratively XS makes me wonder whether what it does really imply is 'excess'...

 These are the very times when i'm made to realise what an in-between size i really am...quite like the proverbial dhobi ka kutta

Like shopping isn't bad enough, receiving clothes as gifts is worse. It's always that i like what i've got -- it's just that it doesn't fit right!

So i go about wincing to myself every time something that quite catches my eye isn't going to find itself a spot in my wardrobe *sigh*

U ask whether i've heard about tailors and the magic of 'alterations', right? Well, i have. And i have two arguments why i don't favour them...
(i) I'd like to believe that if it fits right it feels right. More like destiny. I like the ring to it :)
(ii) Altering an outfit/piece of clothing sucks. Apart from making U feel like it's being compromised to simply accommodate U...the number of rounds i recently underwent just to get the fitting right had me at my wits end quite literally. Imagine when to my horror the garment was altered such that i had trouble getting into and then out of it!!!

 The only comfort probably lies in the fact that it's not just me. A friend once told me of the time a sales person tried convincing her to wear a skirt and pass it off as a tube top! Sheesh...

Clothes isn't all...
Shopping for foot wear is as much of a crisis situation. The reason is the opposite. Big Feet!

Hmph! What was God thinking of?