Weigh-ry funny...NOT!

­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­“This joke is on you missy”, that seems to be the message the story writers of my life seem to be keen on directing towards me off late!

Know how I’ve been swooning over the moon about my recent achievement (read: gain in weight)? Know of how elated I’ve been because there’s been a significant needle movement on the scale (the last time I checked)?

Then you definitely know how much this meant to me – you’ve read the testimonies of grief I’ve been subjected to because of my not-so-ampleness!

And right there in the middle of this joy being celebrated over more cheesecakes is what I’d like to classify as a paranormal activity.

Sale season is here. Or at least was around until at least a week ago. And I’d been somehow lured into walking into a store to check some stuff out. Checking ‘em out led me to actually finding a pair of pants that caught my eyes and hence I decided to give it a try. In my new Zen state of awareness I pick up a size that’s larger than what I’d otherwise fit into.

Lo and behold! Pant won’t fit. I walk out with a grin decide not to bother any further. It’s established. I need to start looking away from familiar racks to those that stack a bigger size.

Now here’s where the cosmic joke kicks in -- two days ago, I was raiding my own wardrobe and found myself a pair of pants. Slipped in and realized I’d need a belt. Not to accessorize, but to hold ‘em in place. A quick check-in on the size and guess what? This pair of pant is a size smaller than the one I didn’t quite manage my way through only a couple of days ago.

W.T.F.!

 So this continues… some of things I own restrict my movement because I’m suddenly rendered too big to be in them anymore and some others, well, still need the alterings, the belts, the whatnots…

I’m convinced – the joke is on me!

And as if this wasn’t strange enough, over a seemingly generic conversation the topic veered towards weight issues. To which my parents unanimously chimed in, “Don’t worry about your weight. Be grateful that unlike others you don’t have to tone/slim down!”

What? 

No more bashing me on how little I eat. Good riddance. Being a personified rodent in the house nibbling into almost everything is proving to be a boon.

So what if I’m not the last one laughing? I’m the happy one eating to my heart’s content!!! 

O the things people say…

First they irk you. Then they numb you. Then you dumb them.

May be. May be.

I've written about many brief incidents in what I thought was aptly titled: A day in the life of you know who... and even later in a post on Khali and Me

 

While I've found the humour in the irony, there are some one-liners that I've heard so often that I do think they deserve a *cough cough* honourable mention, to say the least! And just in good jest, I've categorized them too. With my thought bubble in italics, So here goes...

Most lame remark: 

Arre you toh must not be eating only. 

Yeah, I live on love and fresh air

Most repeated remark: 

You’re on a diet o’what? 

Yup, I’m that “fat” (no offence) that I need to be on a diet

Most ironic remark: 

From now only you want to maintain your figure haan? 

Stick is a figure you mean?

Most frequently-heard-during-childhood remark: 

What men? You ate anything or just filled your stomach with water? 

I have some more left in the glass. Could I dunk you in it?

Most daft remark: 

You finished eating? You hardly eat. 

I was hungry. I wolfed my meal down. No time to talk about the weather. Hence finished eating. Problem?

Most freely available remark: 

You should eat more. This (referring to my size) is not good. 

I eat. I’m fine thank you. I don’t see the doc as frequently as you, so…

Most bizarre remark: 

You’re lucky – you can find clothes for yourself in the kids section too. 

Pity you – nothing even in the maternity section

Most self-defeating remark: 

You should put on some weight. *turns around speaks to someone else advising them to lose weight* 

*I rest my case* #win

Most paternalistic remark: 

Madam yeh size aapko aayega 

Dude! STOP. I’m skinny..YES. Shrivelled..NO! #ReasonsWhyIHateShopping

Most overrated remark: 

You’ve lost weight! 

Man! Seriously!!  That’s what this blog is all about!

Come to think of it - what would I be posting about if not for these guys! *grin*

That glorious moment...

I've had one too many. So many that quite a lot of them have made it to this blog!

It's time to add another...
Among the very many female eccentricities I remotely bear any affinities to, comes shopping. Yeah. I absolutely loathe it and would be happier without it but end up crappier with it!

What makes it an even bigger challenge is that I choose to embark on it as an annual activity such as 24 hours prior to Christmas. For the rest of the year I couldn't care less. Or at least that's what I hear myself say!

Christmas or no Christmas, however, besides just finding the right outfit, finding the exact desirable size of the said object is the biggest challenge of all. And I don't like altering my clothes – hence the complexities.

Another thing about shopping and clothes particularly is the size..of which XS is a misnomer! 

There are a few of these brands adorning mannequins (of which no more shall be said) that give everyone the impression that size zero or whatever it's called these days is the place to be. Allow me to enlighten you: XS reads eXcesS. Gettit?

So...you can imagine the delight when what was a mere hunch for the past few weeks got confirmed over this weekend.. that being ‘yours truly’, the sole rep of the skinny genus in all her not-so-ampleness has gained a few grams!!!

Pants need no belts to hang in there, t-shirts that fit right as does everything else. 

The cherry on the icing? For some brands that had been kind enough to allow their XS to read as eXtra Small, I find I have to force fit myself in to them now. Those random stray kurtas I had to get altered, I now fight arm and elbow to wriggle in and out of!

I now know what an achievement means, I guess!

Saath khayaali khoon maaf...

It’s got to be one of those phases where the writers of the story of my life as more than pleased with themselves as they are with me. The things I hear being said about me are very unreal, unimaginable to say the least. It’s in direct conflict with the very nature of my blog.

What’s been happening? Well, as always I have been meeting/bumping into people – some known at a rather personal level over shorter spans of time, others mere acquaintances even over longer spans of time. But yeah, people – people who are somewhat an ilk different from the once-upon-a-time type used to get under my skin…or well, wait, my skinny-ness!

I’d never have thought that meeting someone after almost five years would transpire into a conversation like this:

Person X: Oh my god! It’s so nice to see you. You’re looking so much better. You’ve put on some weight. I’m so happy to see you like this. Good good. You should continue to take care of yourself.

(Reaction too strong to put down into words. Smiled and grinned. Couldn’t stop until cheekbones started to hurt a bit)

And then a few days after that I met a friend after what seemed like an eternity (5 months does seem like an eternity when it’s your bum-chum)

Disclaimer: To be a bum-chum, you need to be in-your-face-honest at all times.

Bum-chum: Eli, have you put on weight?

(Reaction: Wait? You seriously asking or are you going to say I’ve lost something I claim to never have had? No, you really mean I’ve put on weight! HHAHAHAHAHAHAH – HAPPINESS!!!)

Another time a question posed by someone in a very random context (though at that point I must add that I was wolfing down some super delicious cupcakes *drool*)

Randomly concerned person M asking question: Why would you want to put on weight, ya? You’re perfect the way you are…

(Reaction: Me? Skinny me? Perfect? According to you. Super. Need to unearth more souls like you!)

Yet another time a colleague gets chatty over arm wrestling with me. Huh. Yeah my life is strange – but in a good way. Yeah, arm wrestling. This is what the conversation veers towards:

Colleague E: Thin people are stronger, dude. I have a friend I couldn’t  win arm wrestling against. Hmm, wait… *takes a step forward to look at me – resumes conversation* …she was thinner than you. You have legs. She had sticks in place of legs. Yet she beat me.

(Reaction: Recall that Hindi muhawara we had to frame sentences with in school ‘phoole nahi samaana’? I found my sentence!)

These are just a few. I mean, it’s just great to receive this kind of acknowledgment. I can eat all I want and claim to do so because I need to fit into my clothes without having to see a tailor who has to alter it. HAHAHH – fit into my clothes. Now how many people really can claim that.

But life’s no less interesting without the usual suspects trying to poke jibes and dig my bones. Tch tch to them. So this one time I had to get through a security check and then the females are taken aside so that the detector can complete its task and this lady security guard looks at me and shoots an-in-your-face-question: “Aap bahut patle ho? Thoda weight put on karna chahiye?”

HHAHA – Like I haven’t heard that before. But consequently I had this thought that I'd posted on Facebook: Is it being mean when you respond to a "You're too thin" with "Yeah. You're too fat too"? -- Isn't it supposed to be fact sharing? #koshchan

 I haven’t acted on that thought of mine. I’m too happy to care to be bothered and hence, it’s ‘saath khayaali khoon maaf’ from me! *grin*

Age Miracle

As a representative of the 'Skinny Genus', I continue to exist in the world that's too darn busy making fat people thin and chiding thin people for well, being thin! 

Every once in a while I have to subject myself to this tormenting routine which some other folks seems to thoroughly enjoy: Shopping! 

UGH! Sheer torture... 

Yes, I have ranted not so long ago about  how I never seem to find 'MY' size... But I was rather pleased with my luck (more than myself) a couple of days ago when I swooshed in and out of a store with a decent find. 

Most folks resort to retail therapy to get over other things that are bothering them. I, on the other hand, walk out of a clothing store and find peace by binge shopping at a book store! It's another thing that my wardrobe's empty while by book shelf is bursting at its seams!! 

So I'm walking in and out of stores the other day and decide to catch up on a movie. This movie now is apparently certified as 'A' by the Censor Board. (P.S.: At the end of the movie, yours truly just couldn't help but fathom the 'A' certification! Anyhoo, more on that at a later point). So yeah, I'm in the line purchasing tickets for the show and just as I announce the name of the movie, I'm told that I might have to submit my proof of age. Why? Well, in her words, "because it's an adult movie!"

Seriously? 

I'm standing there, stopping myself short of balking back at her and laughing out loud in her face because she's said it in all innocence. So I had to contend myself with just reconfirming her own suggestion back with her.

Oh well, I was never asked for any proof eventually... But yeah makes me think if things continue this way I'll have one more thing I won't be in need of -- anti ageing creams! MWHAHAHA 

A day in the life of U-know-who! ;)

Incident # 1:
Person A: Hey! Nice top. You got it stitched?
Me: Thanxxx. Nope, I've picked it from a store.
Person A: Ooh! And U've really lost weight!!!
Me: *here we go again* I actually wonder if there is any more weight for me to lose!?!


Incident # 2:
Long lost relative A: Hi! How are U doing?
Me: Hey!! I'm doing good. How have U been?
Long lost relative A: I'm fine. So U have a pretty hectic schedule, eh?
Me: *not knowing where this convo is leading* Yheaaa...kinda.....
Long lost relative A: Hmm. And U've lost weight!
Me: *stopping self from rolling my eyes out* Huh? Did I have any to lose in the first place?
Long lost relative B: No! No!! She looks much better than the last time.
Me: *confused as ever*


Incident # 3:
Colleague A: Tell me one thing...how do U lose weight?
Me: *slightly startled but just smiles*
Colleague B: Take tension and U will lose weight
Me: *still smiling*
Colleague A: Arrey i put on more weight when i'm tensed
Me: *binge eater*
Colleague C: We (referring to Colleague A) will put on weight when we are under stress and she (referring to me) will lose weight when under stress!
Me: Trying wearing loose clothes :P

The angst of going shopping

I hate shopping.
I don't understand the term 'retail therapy'. Cuz contrary to popular belief i end up feeling 10 times more harrowed and agitated post shopping...

The problem? Size.

Whether i'm walking down Colaba Causeway or Hill Road and Linking Road at Bandra or swaying in and out of the comforts of the air-conditioned glitzy malls, my plight is still the same.
Stuff is always too big or way too itsy-bitsy! While 'big' makes me feel like i'm walking about in my night wear, the latter makes idea of clothes being comfortable is all too discomforting.

What i take offence most to is SIZE 'XS'! Either it's taken too literally or too figuratively. Literally speaking i end up imagining how a 'woman' is actually going to get into that piece of garment without compromising on her lungs while figuratively XS makes me wonder whether what it does really imply is 'excess'...

 These are the very times when i'm made to realise what an in-between size i really am...quite like the proverbial dhobi ka kutta

Like shopping isn't bad enough, receiving clothes as gifts is worse. It's always that i like what i've got -- it's just that it doesn't fit right!

So i go about wincing to myself every time something that quite catches my eye isn't going to find itself a spot in my wardrobe *sigh*

U ask whether i've heard about tailors and the magic of 'alterations', right? Well, i have. And i have two arguments why i don't favour them...
(i) I'd like to believe that if it fits right it feels right. More like destiny. I like the ring to it :)
(ii) Altering an outfit/piece of clothing sucks. Apart from making U feel like it's being compromised to simply accommodate U...the number of rounds i recently underwent just to get the fitting right had me at my wits end quite literally. Imagine when to my horror the garment was altered such that i had trouble getting into and then out of it!!!

 The only comfort probably lies in the fact that it's not just me. A friend once told me of the time a sales person tried convincing her to wear a skirt and pass it off as a tube top! Sheesh...

Clothes isn't all...
Shopping for foot wear is as much of a crisis situation. The reason is the opposite. Big Feet!

Hmph! What was God thinking of?

Cupboard Cleansing

People have poked jibes. I, in turn, have developed a self deprecatory sense of humour and all seems hunky dory.
Well, guess what? It's not.
And in any case this blog is all about nothing being hunky dory 'cuz being 'skinny' does not permit it. I am yet to fully comprehend the hullabaloo surrounding 'size zero'. I share a meal with people and all i hear of food being unhealthy.  About how it's high time they followed a diet regime or joined the gym or exercised or did yoga or may be even starved!
I don't get it.

People's woes revolve around how they desperately want to fit into their clothes...and not out of them. What they wouldn't do to flaunt their well toned and trimmed assets...
I get this...and i empathize

I empathize only because i exist on the other end of this drama... Yep, drama it is. And i'll tell U why. A couple of days ago i got down to clearing my cupboard up. Now my cupboard isn't the quintessential girl's cupboard bursting at its seams...i believe in living in moderation (more on that -- but another post!). But nevertheless i find myself in possession of clothes i've never worn.
Uh..uh!
Before U watertight compartmentalize me into being the quintessential girl, i'll let U in on a secret.
I am in possession of clothes i secretly hope and pray that i can 'fill' into perfectly and not have belts suspended to hold 'em in place or reduce my shoulders to hangars on a hook or wait to have 'em altered to 'fit' me right so i aint floating.

So while i had to dispose the clothes i couldn't forsee myself 'filling' into i despise my fate 'cuz this means i WILL have to go shopping and find something(s) more suitable for my frame (more on this one too in another post).

Gah!